He gave me a kiss and his phone number and asked me if I’d like to spend time with him later that night. But then you’d forget that feeling and be drawn back into the intense attraction. Looking at him almost made you feel a sense of unbalance in the world, like his handsomeness and flawless physique were proof of some deep inequality between people. If you met him, you were impressed by his smile and his body and his presence. He was huge and handsome I’m not saying anything new. We met in passing on a set he’d just finished a scene, and I was about to start mine. I can’t claim any special knowledge about his death, I didn’t know him very well. It was drugs, it was studios not treating him well, it was the feeling of dehumanization, it was the vague but all encompassing “porn industry” that did it, it was the feeling of being hollow, it was it was his loss of validation after being a star for so long. As usual, many people felt sure they knew why he committed suicide, without much evidence. Arpad Miklos, who was as much as a porn “star” as anyone can be in a time when we are hyper-saturated with porn, killed himself on February 3rd, 2013, at the age of 45. Whenever a porn star – especially a gay porn star – commits suicide, theories show up, and people act very, very certain about them. Why do porn actors kill themselves? Who is responsible?
